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| When I conceived my son—it was a very lost time of my life. I was really in an unstable emotional state and abusing alcohol at the time, which was kind of a set-up for disaster. But what actually happened was that I was so desperate, that I really was suicidal a little bit and really couldn't see any hope at all. The father of my son was my good friend, a classmate, and you know, a really good guy, a poet, and sensitive, but very lost too. So there were these two lost souls that happened to come together and when my son was conceived, it was like this light went on, that all of the sudden, I can’t live like this anymore. And so I picked up everything, I was living in Denver; actually I didn't pick up everything. I picked p my clothes and left everything else behind, and came back here to stay with my sister. And I knew that I had to provide something for this little boy. So, actually, I owe him my life because I don’t know that I would be here if it wasn’t for him, for his coming into the world. So I’m very grateful to him forever. His father really tried to beg me to stay, that we could work it out, but neither one of us was ready—for the kind of self-giving that parenting requires. So when I was eight months pregnant having worked through this decision and deciding on the adoption, I got a letter returned from him, that he had died…of an overdose. And so at that point I just felt like isn’t enough, enough? What happened was…the thing that was really difficult about it…was that I really wanted to make sure that he was placed right away so that he would not have that state of limbo of not belonging to anybody. That he would go to his mother right away. I wasn’t even going to see him in the hospital, because I thought, if I did, I'd just want to keep him and couldn’t go through with it. So the first thing that happened was that the nurse brought the baby down to me. They had rooming in this hospital and apparently they hadn’t gotten the message right, and so there I was just me and this little boy. So I got to have him with me all day long. And it was very beautiful. My brother came up to visit and my mom held him. But then, at the end of the day when they had all gone home, and I had to wheel him back to the nursery, it was a very horrible thing. And luckily when I took him back, there was a nurse there who kinda looked me in the eye, and came down to my room then, and just really spent some time with me…saying you are really loving. Loving is to want somebody so much but you’re willing to sacrifice that feeling for his good. That lady…I’ll tell ya, there’s so many times all through my life that I’ve had her words in my head. So that was the first hurdle we got past. But then, what the adoption agency did was they refused to place him, because they had to wait for the death certificate of his father. And I said, “Look, I have this letter here, it says—‘Postmaster: This man is deceased.’” That wasn’t a legal document so they refused to go through with the process. It was eight weeks and the baby was still in the nursery. And I’ll tell you that was the one time I was really ready to grab him and get out of there because I thought, you know, I made this whole plan for him and “this is a terrible thing you’re doing.” But I just had to keep telling myself, “no, you made the decision because that was the right decision, and this is painful, but you know, we’ll get through it.” All during the pregnancy I worked on this little quilt that I was making for the baby. When it came time to place him for adoption they would not accept that quilt. And I said, “well why not…I did this for him” you know. “Well, you might recognize it on the street and then you would know where he is.” So when I went to sign the papers I asked if I could just see him one more time. They really didn’t like that idea at all, but then they reluctantly agreed to let me go down there if I was sure I wasn’t going to change my mind. When I was finished signing the papers, they thanked the director of the agency for being there and thanked my social worker for all the time that she spent and thanked the head of social work who took time out of her busy day to be there; and they said to me, “you're finished now, you can go.” So, I guess, all these things—if you can keep them in your heart—it will help you to be a different person when you think about that child…who he came from, and what kind of family you want to be and stuff like that. Maybe that will help you. I hope so. I wish you all the best of luck and I am grateful that there are people like you in the world, and I hope you’re grateful that there are people like me in the world too. Thanks. This birth mother is now married with six children and lives in Northeast Ohio. She spoke to a group of couples who are considering adopting a child. She has not tried to contact the son she gave up, but has recently put her name on a registry, in case he wants to contact her. |
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 Adopting.org — An information resource for birth families. AdoptionCircle.org — Offers both open and confidential adoption services. |
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