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Following are excerpts from recent monologue segments heard during “All The News That Isn’t” on “Michael Feldman’s Whad’Ya Know?”
- You know it’s a bad sign when the local forecast on the Weather Channel turns out to be for Baghdad. Next, Pyongyang.
- Supposed to get into the 100’s this week in Iraq—not the best time to have taken out all the air conditioning.
- Secretary Rumsfeld—or “Attila the Rum,” as his friends call him—continues to dare Saddam to come out wherever he is, so far to no avail. If they lose this guy, they’re going to get a reputation.
- Rumsfeld’s starting to sound like Col. Jack Ripper in “Dr. Strangelove”—like he’s fighting to preserve his precious bodily fluids.
- There was a sighting of Saddam—either he shaved his moustache, or that preemptive decapitation came closer than we thought. He’s been in a lot of close shaves, but always kept the ’stache.
- In the video of Hussein, his voice was cracking, indicating it may have been shot during puberty.
- Giant pictures of Karl Rove have begun appearing around Baghdad, indicating the regime change is proceeding.
- McDonald’s officials were airlifted in to case a site with good foot traffic right on Ali Baba square.
- Meanwhile, there’s talk of an oil pipeline from Iraq directly to the Alaskan wilderness, which will have the advantage of making drilling there unnecessary.
- The allies have yet to find a smoking gun, but they’ve brought quite a few of their own. Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction may have been obliterated by our own.
- Iraqi Eyewitness News continues to maintain that US troops are nowhere near Baghdad and that the Mets swept the Clubs in the opening series.
- Saddam International Airport—now Wolfowitz Field—has been taken. If they wanted the airport down, they should have just let United and American run it. They blew up Saddam’s 747, losing a potential state fair attraction. Hitler’s Mercedes is getting old.
- Meanwhile, the Germans, not used to pacifism, are getting very antsy. One good Wagner air and they’re in France—and this time we’re busy, thank you.
- And finally, this year’s Easter egg roll on the white house lawn has been cancelled as the Dixie Chicks were not able to lay enough in time...
That’s All the News That Isn’t! |
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